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Memoires · of · a · Nubian · Queen
another bearer of an ancient tongue
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Red Blanket I want to leave every part of my life that he touched and changed for the better, but to do that , I’d have to leave my own skin. Everywhere I turn there is a reminder of him and this pain that I keep pushing down almost makes it’s way out and I find myself afraid and fighting back tears. I refuse to believe that he will never kiss me again, never look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. Sometimes I wish that I never pushed him away but my heart would not have forgiven me if I stayed. I pray for him, not to come back to me but for his happiness and for the world to ease the pain in his heart, for love to prevail and his relationship with her survives against all odds. I know I have not prayed in years but God please answer this one. I think I am too afraid to pray for myself because every time they remain unanswered I loose what little faith I have. I know I am to blame but I can’t help my nature nor fight this heart of a dreamer that leaves no room for logic or rational behavior. It’s sad to think that even the happy memories we shared now bring stinging pain and warm tears because every smile is followed by the realization that that book is closed and has been put on a shelf that I am too short to reach. I gave him my heart and spirit and when that failed I tried to give him this body, thinking that maybe he would stay. Reverting back to the behavior I had left behind when I met him and falling yet again from the top. I am worn, tired and sincerely unhappy but the thought of him loving and living and laughing pushes me through and forces me to take a step. Not forward. Just a step in any random direction, aimlessly because all I feel is this need to move. Followed by the unwavering desire to run backwards and defy time. I went to see another man from my past recently and he became tangled in old feelings and tried to kiss me but I stopped him because I know that the last lips that kissed mine were those of someone I loved, and by kissing him I somehow felt that he would erase what’s left of that last kiss and I am not ready to let that happen. Fuck, why can’t I let go it seems that the more time passing the harder it seems to get because I am struggling to hold on to any peace of him I have left. I even dug up the time capsule that I used to burry every shred of evidence that we existed thinking it would take this very evident pain away with it. I told myself I would never do this, I am the empress of keeping from becoming emotionally involved and invested in a partner.
Current Location: |
Patheic |
Current Mood: |
 thirsty |
Current Music: |
How Come You Don't Call Me? Alicia Keys | |
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You are standing in front of me. We have become so close , looking at you is like looking into my own eyes. Your smile on my face and my tears in your eyes. And there is so much pain behind both our eyes that I had to look away. I am turning around and trying to walk away but even as I take a step forward I hear the steady beat of your heart , and your deep pained breathing. I close my eyes and turn around , throwing myself into your arms , overcome with an emotion I did not know I had. somewhere in between love , longing anger and loss there was this feeling that made me wrap my arms around your neck and grip your shirt because I could no longer support my own weight. I am fighting back these tears , and I am angry. Then you rest your head between my shoulder and cheek. Your scent and touch flood my mind, for the last time. I let the tears fall because I could no longer contain these emotions. I cry sincerely. Because these tears are not over you, just for you. |
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Without him I need him yet with him alone My heart is a kingdom , his eyes its throne He smile delights me yet fills me with fears He caused me to cry but dried my tears My darling M love Where do I begin You fill my heart with sorrow Benight my word within Beyond my crazy fantasies Beyond my wildest dreams Beyond the phony laughter Towards my inner screams I push you You stay And take me away You lie and you cheat and try to deceive me I beg you don’t leave me Forever , yet apart Inside me you lie… deep in my heart FOR YOU For you For you I suffered in tears For you I swallowed my fears For you I gave love a chance For you I’ve murdered romance For you I held you and loved you and lost you at once I called you and called you and called you again I am yearning and sinking, I have drowned in my pain I called you With matches of envy you set me on fire I am burning with anguish, fear and desire I stand here still I look upon what I have done What’s done is done what’s done is done |
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In Davenport Ville, up main street
In the little art shop around the corner He Walked Around In Circles Past the flowers past the spades, a l o n g the paintings and then he stopped An evanescent odalisque in threadbare rags Slovenly Alone On her knees In prayer? No to her master she muttered pleas her shame and sorrow entwine to bow to another human but her life is on the line the image mocked humanity in all its essence in Davenport Ville , up main street in the little art shop, he began to weep |
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Twisted Truth They call themselves soldiers of peace But what are soldiers for but war If peace is war then war is peace This world is surly at peace We are at peace, yet soldiers fight By day By evening Dawn And night For every song a bird doth sing A gun shot in the air will ring For every time that one shall laugh One will hear a child scream For every ounce of hope that’s built Quiet Will become a dream For step soldier Every a walks An innocent soul will fall Until the cries of justice dwindle and silent we are, one and all |
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Ashes Out from the ashes a flower grew Its vibrant red echoing memories of you With the wind it swayed from side to side But yet it hung with strength and pride The sun has burned this flower of mine In knew the rain would come in time Sad and thirsty, plain and tall It casts great shadows on the wall Days had passed no sign of rain Only dryer ground and growing pain All hope was gone but faith remained Before I knew it the ground was stained The rain had fallen, my flower lived And here it is to you a gift You see my story it dose not end For there always will be a heart to mend. The Storm Quiet Flowers Swaying from side to side I r e a c h I touch I feel the warmth I BREath in deep the taste is sweet The warmth escaping Wind Clouds Leaves in Rage My hair in fear attempts escape I stay The branches rattle in search for shelter I stay The rain is coming it’s chasing me I stay The rain slowly begins to Fall Each drop distinct in sound So small yet Powerful it echoes still I felt warm tears run down my cheek Why did I cry? I did not know I smell the mint Its soul escaping I envy it The world is cleansed by the sky’s pain The leaves are calm Their will destroyed The clouds march away with victory The final drops Escape my eyes The lord has dimmed his guiding light The world, he covered with gloomy night The storm has won Without a fight
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He walked through the mall She clutched her purse from the nigger Like the comb in his afro was a gun with a trigger But the nigga walks on
And I knew by that hardened glare and that gulp of despair and the kink in his hair
That he was biting his tongue , holding back his anger
He knew what she thought , although she’s a stranger
He wanted to say
I am not a robber or a rapper, I am a man living life , I got a job, three kids and I love my wife
But , the nigga walks on
He lets her think he is a thief , he surrenders his pride and swallows his grief
What would he have said in that moment so brief
I don’t know
He won’t know, Cause the nigga walks on
He goes home to show love to his wife ,
Now ... she’s known this man for her whole life
But enough is enough
Ever since the day I met you
You knew nothing but anger
Don’t you NEED something new?
I wish , I could put love in the palm of your hand and make you taste it , make you chase it , crave it
Nigga you’re still a slave
Not to your color , your roots or the kink in your hair
But to inherited ignorance, anger , despair
Let go nigga, you’ve had more than your share
Your sin is not skin , its your silence that chills , hurts , rapes and sometimes kills.
Nigga please
Speak your mind , and just breathe |
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I am a triumph of self delusion , I delude my self to the point where I need everything but you,
Then delude myself to the point where you are all I need...
Althought I am not quite sure wether if it is a matter of anger , passion or greed
The issue is that I can’t seem to find the middle ground . I am begining to wonder if its even around
You see THIS love is like a hologram of a stunning truth
The truth I am dying to face, and one I’ve tried to erase
Maybe i am nothing without you , but you’re everything with me?
Maybe we’re tied up , in chains we can’t see
I am a prisoner of thoughts untouched, words unsaid, like a stranger in my own bed
Crazy feelings in his heart .or. in my head ...
I can walk away, but I’ll feel like i am dead
But still damned if i stay
He is the plague and its cure , he is the richest of poor
He is what I am not , I am what he is not
I am a triumph of self delusion
I delude my self to the point where i am frozen in time
Then delude myself to the point where I am speeding faster than light
Althought I am not quite sure wether if it is a matter of anger , passion or greed
The issue is that I can’t seem to find the middle ground . I am begining to wonder if its even around |
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That's it, I have grown up. It sucks. |
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Yuh, definatly aggravated. I cannot deal with this man anymore. Whoever said you cannot help the people you love, was right , all the way...If I could choose who to love , it would definatly NOT be him. Wait, but does that mean I already don't love him? I don't know , all I know is , I can't deal with him anymore. He whines at me ALL the time. I don't think he is ready for a mature relationship, he is posessive and I cannot see my self staying with him any longer, let alone spending the rest of my life with him. GAH! that is probably the only word that can describe how am feeling at the moment. Someone shoot me. Until then I will smoke shisha , eat noodles and watch southpark. Later days
Current Mood: |
 aggravated | |
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I do believe it has been more than a year since my last entry. I don't even know why I am starting again. Seems strange after so long. You would think that I have alot to say but in reality I do not. Well I guess I should say what I'm doing these days. I am at york, doing a terrible job at it might I add. I am still obsessive-compulsive, not so much a neat freak anymore. I guess I did this because everything is spinning out of control. But its not like this will help. Anyways, Oh and since my last entry. I've become a bisexual, got 2 tattoos, a few peircings. Sang a little, danced a little, moved to toronto, screamed, cried, loved, had a near death experience, lost, won, slept (very little), performed, ate, showered, swam, nearly drowned, failed, succeeded, laughed, fell, grew, shrunk... thats it. I think that covers it all, and now that we're up to date. I think thats it! when I think of something more meaningful to write, believe you me, I will. |
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i know its been forever since i have written , and i am sorrie , see that i am losing my mind who am i apologizing to exactly? i am dying
by the first week of school this is what i have to have done ...
1 . multi show which is GINORMOUS
2. politics summative
3. english project/summative
4. university applications
just soo much shit |
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you know its over , and all i feel like doing now is screaming , and i cant do that , why you may ask , well since i lost my voice screaming at all the idiots in the green room who didnt think me yelling into a megaphone was sufficent to make them shut thier holes. so yea first night of journey was pretty good for opening night and despite the fact that i had no life for the past 6 weeks , i can honestly say , it was definitly worth it . thursday night comes along and we almost get a full house, anil and i have reallly good subway subs (for the second time that week... btw way anil , how is running on that treadmil for an entire day going for ya, and that cookie , ooo that cookie, lol she musta been pretty hot for you to do it at subday Ps: srry for the really bad mental picture).so then on thursday night i get sooooo mad at all the performes to the point that i go british on them and for those of you who know me, you know that it takes quiet a bit of effort to get people tp make me go brritish on all their asses, and i will not ever do taht again because i became a freaking act in the show with people asking me to say things in "english just so that they could hear what it sounds like... never again forest heights , never again. i dont think i have ever spent that much time with anil before but it was fun. then on friday we decided to take a break from subway and eat PIZZAAA mmmm pizza, so anil and i devoure an entire x- large pizza by ourselves...while he has his hand in this cast thing that i made for him so that he could finish his art project, i did a really good job on it i must say... (gloats). yea so that was that for friday , and mr green he is sooo sweet the baught all the SM's flowers and i have to say, they were pretty pretty. and yes fufu for the last time it ISNT funny that i lost my voice , and yes WOOT WOOT journey is over.. remeber there is always next year... scary but true. so its sunday today and my voice still isnt any better and yea.. i called in "sick" for work so that i could actually have a chance to do my homework and get nmy life back.. which is sad since i dont have anything better to do that to type this crap up while my k.lucky sisters get to go buy brandnew bikes .... no fair!! |
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heya heya heya heya heyallll
so i know i havent psted for a while it all happened when fufu sent me an e mail saying "Rania its fufu WRITE ABOUT OUR RANDOM button. I'm way too busy :P and u are too BUT write it...and how Anderson is going to die soon HAHA and the rest of the people...except leave out the part about you know who ;) he was stalking me today after rugby *HAHAHA*" so her and i are in chem class , as usual and we dont wanna do work, as ususal so we have my calcualtor and it has a button called RANDOM on it aha , so fufu and i think of a person and press "RANDOM X 100" and taht is the age that that person is gonna die at.. we know its mean but wut can i say we are talented! so then we have a tornado drill in april !! thats right APRIL!!! we are gonna all die from a tornado fufu, there is no need for the random button , every one dies in 0.001 secs... hahah everyone is dying |
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i realize that my title for this journal entry is Whooohooo journey , but lately iy seems like it has been booohooo journey. for those of you who dont know what journey is , it is a school production that goes on at our school every year! this is our 36th and possibly final year...sad, but true. it breaks my heart to say this forest heights , but journey is dying , we all knew it was coming but its hard to accept. my fellow students id like to say that even thugh journey might be dead, but it will live in out heart forever... so we have to have everything done for a week from monday , is that gonna happen? ... no!!. forst of all we have 3 green rooms which will be impossible to ontrol, with multi we had one and we couldnt control it no we'll have three and we'll have no headsets!!this is insane! and ellie j is gone for the entire week after journey , we are gonna die!!. WE NEED YOU ELLIE J. yea yea and math test on frida, independent study due for chem , chem quiz tommrow, chem test next wendsday and essay is due on tuesday... cold and hungry , i think i need to go and eat now
so ciao mi amor |
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i was sicka s hell and iw ent to school anyway i was sooo sick iw as coughing up blood so i get to english class and i have a horrible time watching a movie about shakespear's life , then i go to the caf where marwan drags me to the office because he decides that i am too sick to be in school and i should go to the hospital! aha thats right , me sick , hospital , marwan yelling, so i finally get home and collapse on my driveway, then get taken to the hospital where i learn that i have a busted blood vessle then they seal it shut with a match then i am here now randomly sitting here eating mac and cheese which my sis made for me ( i love her) and yea rania signin off now ,
later |
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hey again
so my dayyy todayy
i woke up with a sore throat and i went to class my english teacher had a stick up her ass so she gave us surprise test isnt she the best?
and then in chem i chilled with fufu after we wrote the lab quiz then we had interesting conversations .... fufu !!!" it starts with a C" "no no no no no no no". and yea after that i had lunch where again i didnt eat and i was in mikey's video which is good. then after that i went to class with rudy and he made me this metal shiny thing and there were all these big big big big shiny machines everywhere it was awesome then i went to math .... where mark says that he wants to be good friends with me so that i can cook for him... ya he is using me for food den thats it , no more , noooo more , i came home and they were having bad food so i am not eating i am hunry and tired and am gonna go now |
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ok so , my day today....
it was pretty much the same as yesterday...
in the morning , i lost my shoes at school and couldnt find them...ummm , lets see until about 5:00 PM when i left the school .. i am beyond exhausted...
so after i lose my shoes i go to english and enjoy another boring class in the library, ooo chemistry , fufu and i lit things on fire, then at lunch .. yes again MY lunch and someone else's works , but roz's campaigne video made it alllll better... :D VOTE ROZ!!!
anywho after lunch (1st lunch that is!) then second lunch we went to wendy;s then i wrote my tessst and drew pictures in math class:D ... fun fun fun.. then i have meetings and junk and now i am going for a walk
so go away
bye |
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great so today i am sittin here pretending to do my chemistry homework , when forough , at random gives me this website thing to read ... and guess what its one of those things! so now i have an account here ... if i can remeber my password *shifty eyes* i dont know what kind of stuff is supposed to be written here but since frough wrote about her day i shall write about mine
i got to school at 7:20 as usual ... and arrived to english late as ususal (english starts at 8:15 , 1st period class)
so then i go to englsih which was boring with maus yakking at us alllll the time , then....
i go to chemistry and lo and behold fufu tells me this amusing story about this guy's crotch *evil smile* then i have a councling appointment which lasts for about umm lets see 40 minutes where the effin mrs. brock who isnt even my councilor talks my ear off about how her dad was a peace keeper and doesnt even let me drop math , she said "get a tutor!" well you know what thanks for the ingenious idea einstien!
after i get back fufu and i resume talking , then i had to drop of marwan's sketch ( who is my best friend but he was no where to be found)
after that i have lunch where chris decides that i am gonna help him with his project... thats right HIS project on MY lunch ... and to thank me chris gives me a wet willy... i feel so loved
then we went to subway and randomly saw dan there even though we left the school b4 him and let him in class and we were in a car but we walked and he somehow managed to get there b4 us
after we go to subway we go to timmies then to math , and anderson , his majesty decides to show up to class 20 minutes late...
then after 75 minutes of mark telling me how crazy and weird i am i get to go home and randomly take milica with me , where we cooked and didnt set any papertowels on fire *smile proudly * Love, Peace and Chicken Grease! |
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